Very Different Social Group Environments
Over the last few years of running Meetup group events followed by minimal socializing during the COVID-19 pandemic and now slowly returning back to some normalcy in terms of socializing, I’ve come to realize that there are some very different social group environments out there. Even recently during both in person outdoor get togethers with physical distancing maintained as well as using online video chats, I’ve come across two very contrasting social environments which I’ll describe below.
Tiring One Way Conversations
The first examples involved online video chats but also similar social groups were experienced before the pandemic in person as well. These involved rather quiet individuals who despite having the desire to attend some sort of social gathering, do not talk much unless prompted by questions I’ll have to ask them. Only then would they open their mouth and when they do, I can tell that they are quite eager to tell the rest of the group about themselves as well as their opinions. This is natural since everyone in general, likes to talk about him and herself.
However, after answering my questions, they would not talk any further nor show any interest in others by asking other people about their lives. So these people were really only interested in talking about themselves resulting in one way conversations.
When I was a Meetup group organizer, I did my role by making sure everyone, including quiet individuals, were involved in our social events by asking each person questions about their lives which they appreciated as this made them feel more welcome to the group. However, I soon realized that I had become more or less a group interviewer where I would be the one asking questions while others answered them and did not do much more. So it was an entire collection of one way conversations.
With one particular video chat during the pandemic, I did my role by asking each person how they were doing and what they were up to during this challenging time. But none of them bothered to ask me the same nor even try to have a conversation with any of the others. So again, I was the group interviewer. The entire chat session in my opinion, did not involve real social conversations. Instead, they were all just interview questions and answers, all one way conversations.
I have to be quite honest that my social satisfaction from this video chat as well as other times even in person with other groups where I had to be the group interviewer, was quite low.
This type of situation is not limited to just groups of quiet individuals mind you. In the past, I ran social events where some people were quite lively and talkative. However, these individuals were also one way conversationalists where they just loved to talk about themselves, their own lives and voice their own opinions without expressing any interest whatsoever in others who were at these social events.
As a listener and the one who also initiated conversations with such people, I can also tell you that the social satisfaction from listening to folks who just keep on talking about themselves is quite low.
Lively Two Way Balanced Conversations
In a striking contrast to the types of unsatisfying social experiences described above, a few of the social get togethers I had even very recently as part of slow recovery with the pandemic, were very different. These involved groups of people or sometimes just one other person, who showed that they genuinely wanted to catch up with others after a long period of social isolation due to COVID-19. Although I did my part by asking the others who they were doing during this stage of the pandemic, the other folks also asked me about how my life was going.
We went on to talk about all sorts of different things unrelated to COVID-19 such as our common interests and travels. Each person not only answered questions but also asked others about different things too so these were two way rather than one way conversations. And communications were not just happening between two specific persons because they were flowing between everyone in all sorts of directions which resulted in a very lively social time.
You can guess which type of social group environment I enjoyed more.
Social Direction Post Pandemic
During the social isolation with the pandemic, I’ve had time to reflect on these different type of social interactions. I’m also no longer a Meetup group organizer so I’m now free of certain responsibilities that were part of running official events.
I feel that one of the responsibilities I do not need to take on anymore especially when future social events are purely for just social enjoyment, is the group interviewer role. This is not a role that I enjoy doing especially if a get together whether with a group or just one other person, is for purely social purposes. I no longer wish to be part of one way conversations when people don’t show any interest in me or others attending a group event.
I no longer feel I need to initiate conversation with quiet (or talkative) people just to have them feel welcome. My social time is valuable and I no longer want to spend it with people who only really care about themselves as expressed through their conversational styles.
So as part of my post pandemic social direction, I will spend more time with people who actively participate in two way and therefore balanced conversations while limiting or even abandoning any time with one way conversationalists. In larger groups, it is realistic that there could be a mix of one way and two way conversationalists. In these cases, if I sense that a conversation I’m having with anyone has become too one way, ie., the other person is just talking about him/herself and not showing any interest in me or my opinions, I’m going to move onto another person very quickly.
So unfortunately, I’m going to be spending much less time in the future with certain individuals or even drop them out of my social picture altogether if I decided that the social enjoyment with them has been minimal. After all, it’s my social time which is important to me. Your social time is important too and I think it pays off to recognize these different social conversational styles that exist out there.
If after reading this article after an honest assessment of your own conversational style, if you believe that you are a two way conversationalist, then do keep it up. It will serve you well not only socially but also in your career too.
However, if the one way conversationalists finally accept that they have been communicating in that way, there is hope. I developed some videos on social communication and leadership including some free education available. Just go to a webpage I set up to get you access to free communication leadership skills.
